Bah. With a little Humbug.

Christmas has been slow to come to me. Don't get me wrong, I really like Christmas. Any excuse to lie to my kids makes my cold, dead heart sing. But there's just some things I don't get yet.

I get the whole 'buy everyone a bunch of crap they don't need' part of Christmas. I like having the tree, and the pretty gifts under the tree. I like baking the cookies and eating the ham. I love wrapping presents. The look on my kids' faces on Christmas morning makes every single other thing in life totally worth it.

Will someone please explain the stockings to me already? What exactly is the deal with them? I have just spent 2 weeks, and the mortgage, searching for presents for 4 people who have every stinking thing they could want already, and I DID IT. I got great presents. I was feeling all full of myself, and then I looked at the mantle.

OH SHIT.

I have to fill those up, too?

My husband likes to fill them with candy. This from a man who hates that I give the kids dessert. This from the man who will have to pay the orthodonture bill. I'm guessing his mom filled his with candy. I love candy, but I have no inclination whatsoever to relive the horror we just finished called "Huge Bags of Candy Laying Around", aka "Halloween Aftermath". And I bought them everything I wanted to already.

WHAT AM I GOING TO PUT IN THESE STOCKINGS?

Maybe it's my cheapness talking, but if I'm spending more than $5 bucks on it, it's going under the tree. More than $5 should count towards the bulk. Anything less than $5 is going to break in less than 5 minutes.

Stockings stress me out. I got them Hot Wheels, candy, stickers, candy, toothbrushes, candy, stuffed elves and reindeer, candy and pencils. I think that's going to do it. But there is still one problem....I have a 35 year old man who thinks his stocking should have stuff in it, too.

When the boys were little, I used to put a pack of Marlboros and a fancy lighter in his. They boys would frown on that, now. I gave him a lovely, small, grooming kit in his stocking two years ago, so there goes that idea. He already owns 2 watches worth more than the toddler, so that's out, too. He doesn't wear ties, ever, and if I put tube socks and Vasoline in there, then I have no right to bitch about his middle of the night "Email Checks", now do I? I got him really, uber, fancy golfs balls for under the tree, the kind I won't let him spend the money on normally, and now I am flat out of ideas.

Grrrrrr.

It shouldn't be this hard. Whoever came up with the stocking idea, I loathe you. You, sir, are on my short list. Pray you don't bump into me in a dark alley.